It's been quite some time since I weighed in on our "battle between good and evil." That's a good thing. Anyone who has ever reached my voicemail message knows exactly what I'm talking about. ; ) This will be less of a traditional blog entry and more of a patchwork of comments and quotes throughout the course of the year or so that reflect "the state of our union." There are no words, really; no brilliant conclusions, although the obvious "trust in God, not people" could easily froth over the high's and low's of every paragraph. What can I say. We're exhausted. We've lost so much family, friends, work, faith; all within a very short period of time. I can say that this will serve somewhat as a bookend to expressing our frustration and a surrendering of sorts to any hope we've held out for revelation. That, too, is a good thing. Assertive? Always. Our belief? Intact. Our faith? Tested—ongoing, as that cycle should be. Church? (aka "bio domes," n: generally used to refer to a totally enclosed eco-system) Well, church, as we knew it (and as you may have gathered from my sarcasm), has officially become very much like a coming of age belief in Santa Claus. I issued a challenge in 2009.
"I want 2010 to prove me wrong. I want love between Christians and non- to mean something. I want it to know no boundaries. I want it to eclipse self-interest. I want churches to drive out their own buyers and sellers. I want them to appropriate life and in-appropriate lifestyle. Stop running church like a business and start running it like a foundation for Christ's teachings. Demonstrate meaningful church leadership and Christian values. Lamb and Lion. Stop confusing dissension with rebellion and disobedience. Don't pretend conformity is unity. Acknowledge and account. Compete less, connect more. Grow the Kingdom of God that is one another, not attendance, buildings and cash. Show me. I want to be able to look upon this and previous blogs with levity and an about-face." — The Good, the Bad and the Ugly '09
Did it? Do I? Well, that may very well be the purpose of this entry and questions we're asked most as organized religion refugees. You can interpret it as the answer to these questions or a means by which to seek the answers. As a songwriter, I'm perfectly comfortable discussing what hurts without alienating my appreciation for that and those for which I am grateful. Blessings very much understood. Billy Joel said, "Musicians want to be the loud voice for so many quiet hearts." There's no shortage of "quiet hearts" around us and there's never a shortage of assertiveness, here. As actors, we learn to accept the roles we're offered and play them to the best of our ability. To be or not to be; that is an answer.
You'll find the overall theme here is unexpected absence and a longing for sincerity. "I didn't sign up for this," so to speak. I also liken it to broken political campaign promises and bloviated speeches. "Read my lips..." The important thing to note and the best reason for sharing any of this is that despite the hurt and disappointment, we're working through the consternation and choosing to go beyond the lemonade and make furniture polish from these proverbial lemons. "I always try to keep faith in my doubts." — from "The Sound of Music"
Since I believe a problem only exists if there is a difference between what is actually happening and what you desire to be happening, all of this begs the question; What do I want? Apologies? Unlikely. Affirmation? Overrated. Thanks? Unnecessary. Reformation by awareness? Ideal. The answer is... a giant Jersey Mike's #3, Mike's way, extra wet, a huge bag of Lays Sour Cream & Onion chips and a 2-liter Sprite. Then we'll talk. Then I'll say the answer is simple. The Fixx. They said it best... "Why don't they do what they say, say what they mean..." Don't tell folks you love them if you're not prepared for what that means. Don't tell folks you go where they go if you're not prepared to. Don't ask for advice you're not prepared to follow. Don't tell me how much you miss me when the only one missing is you. Don't make promises you won't keep. Just don't. Stop. Fin.
So, this cornucopia of commentary begins with a quote from the "The Rite" and ends with a quote from Mother Teresa. In an interview with Charlie Rose, Anthony Hopkins said he specifically wrote to the screenwriter and asked if he could include this in the film. Turns out it’s a direct quote from a Jesuit priest in England who made a big impression on Hopkins.
"At times I’ve experienced total loss of faith—days, months when I don’t know what the hell I believe in—God or the devil, Santa Claus or Tinker Bell. Yet there’s something that keeps digging and scraping away inside of me. Seems like God’s fingernail. And finally, I can take no more of the pain and I get shoved out from the darkness into the light.” — Father Lucas, from "The Rite"
It's still a very dark and difficult time for us spiritually, emotionally and financially. Any expectations of those "exceptional" Christians we've developed over the past few years have been built around, well, what Sunday mornings lead us to expect. We paint our yearnings on such mollifying expectations. Alas—Expectations; the cre'me de la creme of setting yourself and others up for disappointment. Keep your standards high and your expectations low.
Jake Colsen wrote “We give our affection only to those who serve our interests and withhold it from those who do not.” I really don't want to believe that, but every "brother and sister in Christ" we've surrounded ourselves with in recent years have gone notably absent from our lives. I'm writing only of those who have placed themselves on a Christian pedestal in title, leadership position/role, esteem and the zealots who build and support these pedestals with zero accountability. Consider the emotional, financial, social and spiritual lengths we've gone to for certain folks. They don't call. They don't write. They stopped participating in our lives and involving us in theirs the moment they could stand on their own two feet and we couldn't ours.
"Nobody loves you when you're down and out." — John Lennon
"We all love you guys and miss you greatly" (from a pastor of the church we were attending) captioned with a six months-absence from our lives and facebook de-friending Carol Anne and me in the wake of my father's death is a tad difficult to swallow. "We pray each week that you'll come back... I would love to be friends with you and Carol Anne (more than you know). I think you are GREAT!" I'm no rocket scientist, so... I'm guessing we shouldn't define our "greatness" or estimate how much this pastor wants to be friends with him by his de-friending us? I don't think I wanna know what he'd do if he thought we sucked and didn't want to be friends with us! Facebook is facebook, but... I'm not so sure de-friending anyone is the best way to get to know someone, minister or encourage fellowship. Call me "Crazy..." But I digress. Some of the worst things you can say to someone in a trial are, "I love you..." "I'll pray for you..." "Let me know if there's anything I can do..." Some of the best things you can do are treat folks you genuinely love as if you genuinely love them, pray with them and knock on their door in an effort to actually help do something. Mother Teresa once said, "Prayer without action is no prayer at all. You have to work as if everything depended on you, and leave the rest to God."
Carol Anne and I have had so many folks take what they need and disappear from our lives in recent years. The past few months with family and friends reminds me of the beautiful relationships in our lives that transcend any need. Actress Ethel Barrymore once said, "The best time to make friends is before you need them." Too true. Forever the bridesmaid, never the bride. The proverbial Barry Manilow's "Mandy," if you will. What we do and who we are is unconditional. Just don't brand me your "best friend" and put me out to pasture once you've milked me for all I'm worth. Believe it or not, this is a positive post. Feeling very grateful for and focused on the good relationships in our lives. We like who we are and what we do. Bridesmaids rock! We chose to go to bat for a particular team at the expense of many relationships and opportunities. No regrets. Now that the shoe's on the other foot, they're nowhere to be found. Dozens of empty promises later to us and those tethered to us, it hurts, but we sleep better knowing we made a difference in their lives. When you make a promise, say only "Yes" or "No." Matthew 5:37
"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness." — Woody Allen
We've been hit with some really hard times, lately. Nobody is less deserving of losing a huge design account as well as an artist grant than my wife. She freely gives so much of her time and talent from those less privileged to those she believes in. Then there's Charlie Sheen. We've always been faithful people, going out of our way to help those less fortunate, friends in need, organizations in need, community needs, sticking our necks out for folks, etc. We never, ever expect anything in return, though a phone call or a knock at the door feels great. We could just use a break in our own clouds. "The sun'll come out tomorrow..."
For the most part, we're on our own here. We're surrounded by nice folks, but nobody really wants to get involved. Natural, I guess, but disheartening nonetheless. Maybe a change of scenery would be good. Carol Anne insists we move to Fiji. We're connected to at least six pastors and five churches in the area, none of which demonstrate a sincere interest in our lives beyond the property lines of each church. I'm proud (probably too proud) to say we've made a concerted effort for as long as I can remember to always give without taking, personally and professionally. It's getting to the point of getting taken advantage of emotionally and financially on a regular basis. Folks tell us what they think we want to hear at best. Carrots and sticks. Rule of thumb—You don't tell a child you're going to take him to Toys"R"Us followed by ice cream and video games then, not only blow it off, but never speak of it again. You don't tell an artist bruised by the industry, his wife and his students you're going to produce, engineer and publish his, hers and their music (among many other things), blow it off and never speak of it again. You're toying with hearts and hopes, dreams and faith. "Can't" is one thing. "Won't" is another. "Disregard" is cruel and, at this point, usual.
We know empathy and selflessness require a certain level of naivete, but we're not strong enough at the moment to process any accompanying disappointment. I know it's better to have loved and lost, but we have to circle the wagons for now. We've yet to experience/witness a demonstration of sincere interest in others' lives beyond the property lines of the churches we've been associated with. When my father passed away unexpectedly in January, we didn't receive a single phone call from any of the aforementioned pastors. But we received a letter in the mail soliciting money in the way of fundraising for a new building for one of those churches. I also received an email of condolence from one of those aforementioned pastors who... (drum roll) ...has me blocked on facebook. I'm his "brother" and he "loves" me, too, right? We're probably in the worst position we've ever been in as long as we've been married, financially and emotionally and nobody will touch us with a ten foot pole. I think most folks think tragedy and hard times are contagious. I have to remind myself to trust in God, not people.
We still struggle daily with believing lies and have lost a great deal of faith as a result. Carol Anne and I believe others and believe in others arguably to a fault. Seems we've done nothing but wine about the injustices in our lives over the past year or so, but we've also opened ourselves up to others much more in recent years. Comes with the territory, I suppose. When you hear things like, "You're our best friends," "We go where you go," "We love you," you're introduced in such a way to others and then those shoulders are nowhere to lean on when times get tough, it's paralyzing to say the least. It's a reality we've struggled and struggle to accept.
Jesus healed 10 lepers. Only one stopped to thank Him. Be that person, folks. Although gratitude shouldn't be expected in the wake of good will, take the time to thank people for the lengths they go to for you. Return a favor. My father taught me the beauty of helping others, but he never prepared me for the apathy and ingratitude that so often accompany good will. It never ceases to amaze me, but it never ceases me.
"People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway." — Mother Teresa
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